About actuaria

Burlesque fan, lover of corsets, dancing and flying small aeroplanes. Trying to keep things fun and interesting :-) Some of the posts on here are password protected. This is to stop certain groups of people stumbling over them by accident - for example people who are under 21, or who really don't want to know I'm writing this....if you'd like a password, do let me know (a DM on twitter usually works)

Poly Means Many: Outside the relationship escalator

Originally posted on Another angry woman:

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts will be found at www.polymeansmany.com from tomorrow. This month, our topic is “relationship significance”

Once, I lived with a partner. As with a lot of people, it was initiated through necessity, because of the housing crisis. I hated it. I realised that this was not how I wanted to do my relationships, that living with a partner wasn’t for me. In a way, I think it killed that relationship, even when they did manage to move out. Living with a partner is just too much for me. I don’t like it, and I don’t want it.

The standard model for relationships is the “relationship escalator“. It’s a one-way trip, up along a trajectory from getting together, to adapting your lives around each other…

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It’s About Time

Originally posted on She's a Maineiac:

Eternal_clock My grandmother lived to 100. When she was in her early 90s she told me the older you get, the faster time flies. For her a year was like a second. I look forward to this when I have to suffer through yet another commercial for Progressive car insurance.

I’m only in my mid-40s and I’ve already noticed time has sped up considerably. One month it was Christmas, then a week later it was Christmas again. I’d be willing to bet no matter when you’re reading this post, it’s Christmas.

Time is relative. I never seem to have enough time to workout. The two hours of kid-free time I get in the morning before my first class lasts about 12 seconds. And for most of those seconds I’m struggling to put on my pants.

I know I should spend more time with Jillian Michaels, but by the time I’m done stuffing myself into my spandex…

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How the Grinch Stole Grammar


This is fab :-)

Originally posted on The Stroppy Editor:

(With apologies to Dr Seuss)

Every Who down in Who-ville liked English a lot
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did NOT!
Whenever he thought of the language, he’d languish
In horrified anger and furious anguish!
But the funny thing was that beneath all this hate
He somehow believed, well, that English was great.
But it wasn’t the English the Whos wrote and spoke –
No! THAT made him scowl! Made him fume! Made him choke!
Made him choke!
Made him choke!

So what on earth was it the innocent Whos
Were doing so wrong with the language they’d use?
If you were to walk into Who-ville one day
You’d see lots of people with fine things to say.
They’d joke and exclaim and they’d promise and sing,
They’d chat and debate – yes, they’d do anything
That this wonderfully versatile…

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Just a few new year’s resolutions…

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while (and paying attention, I know, rather a big ask) you may recall that I’m not a fan of ‘giving things up’, it doesn’t seem like a terribly positive way to live one’s life.  I try to take something new up for lent each year, for example.

Now we have the start of 2014, a chance, possibly, to wipe the slate clean in some areas, to start afresh, make new plans, change bad habits.

With all this optimism and the appeal of instant betterment, the temptation to make lots of promises to myself that I’ll have forgotten before the end of January is still quite strong, but my first resolution is to resist that very temptation.

Instead of aiming for a shiny new me (possibly also thinner, fitter and perkier, more energetic and more successful) before the end of January, I am going to change (change, not give up) or start one thing each month in 2014: here are the first few, I want it to be a dynamic list, not a static one, so I plan to update/change as the year goes on.

So, here’s my attempt number 1:

January – organise myself: set aside time in my diary for trips to the gym, shopping, time with friends etc as well as work and make those appointments immoveable;

February – join a yoga class and attend without fail;

March – research and book an Easter holiday in the sun;

April – celebrate my birthday in style with the people I want to be with rather than conforming to family expectations/peer pressure;

May – join a dance class and attend without fail;

June – to be continued :-)






2013 has been quite a year, roll on 2014 :-)

So, 2013 was the year I started my own business – after years of saying I could/would never do such a thing and about 6 months of telling people I was about to do it.

It’s been amazing.  Amazingly exhilarating while at the same time incredibly scary, heartwarming and eye-opening.

Having now tried it for all of 10 months, I would take my hat (and possibly a few other garments if you were to ask really nicely) off to anyone who manages to stay self-employed and solvent for any period of time.

Barring any great disasters, the business is now self-funding and even paying me some money when I have the nerve to draw some out…the number of people I have to thank for supporting me to this point is not quite endless but too long to keep your attention: it includes friends who have trustingly become my client (in some cases without actually asking for a “mates rates” discount on the fees), clients who have paid be early, my mum who offered me an investment of what she could afford which is my company’s emergency money, not to mention many, many people on twitter and other media who have offered kind words of encouragement, occasionally keeping me from total despair :-)

In other news (to use that well-coined phrase for the last time in 2013) I got myself off the anti-depressants, injured myself skiing (thankfully not permanently – although I would not recommend getting one’s face in the way of a button lift), and became a Finance Director.  A bit of a mixed bag but I am rather liking the rollercoaster of endless opportunties tempered by (again) the blind panic when things just don’t seem to be going in the right direction.

Personally/romantically, things are as complex as ever – probably the subject of another blog…

In summary, am in a better place than this time last year…physically as am near the seaside and emotionally ever so slightly more well-balanced.  Thank you to everyone reading this – if you are one of those who deserves a big hug for your contribution to my 2013, hopefully you will realise and cash it in at the appropriate point in 2014 :-)


Things My Therapist Has Taught Me


Wise words indeed :-)

Originally posted on Sips of Jen and Tonic:

bc425f09027fd13912ac10b6728e4ea3I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.

I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.

How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.

I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No…

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Creating Ourselves: Identity


Nicely put, well worth a read xx

Originally posted on Cats and Chocolate:


Identity is fascinating. If we didn’t find it fascinating, there would be no interviews, no memoir, no ‘I’, as such. To identify each other, we talk about interests, beliefs, our dreams, our likes and dislikes, our passions. We talk about where we think we belong, what our past has been, what our present is, and where we think we’re going. Or we are ‘rebels’ in some sense of the word – setting ourselves apart from the culture we grew up in, or apart from the culture that people attribute to us.

It fascinates me because I’ve noticed that my identity has shifted, along with how I define myself at any one time. I used to define myself by what I consumed: my favourite TV series, my taste in music, what I wore.

Nowadays identity is something I consider deeper, rooted in a sense of my experiences and how I’ve responded…

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