I started writing this a few weeks ago, but got diverted onto other things. So it wasn’t actually triggered by valentine’s day, but maybe that prompted me to finish it 😉
I know that many of you are in happy, successful long-term relationships and have found ways to ensure (amongst all the other things that need working out in the course of a long-term relationship) that you don’t get bored with each other.
But obviously a lot of people don’t find a way between them to do that.
Of course, boredom can take many forms, sexual, intellectual and emotional amongst others. I briefly read the agony aunt in today’s Times Magazine about loss of libido, and thought the response was interesting as it was an encouragement to do interesting things together, be it sky-diving or trekking in the Himalayas. The general premise was that continued sexual attraction relies on challenging each other and new shared experienes.
And if those shared adventures are sexual, then presumably all the better (although the article didn’t say that).
But what else is it that changes a passionate, thrilling relationship into drifting along together day to day in comfortable shared domesticity without that spark?
One of my theories is that it’s lack of seduction…once we’re confident we have someone, we stop acting like the pursuer or pursuee, stop going out of our way to keep making ourselves attractive to them. Gradually, the little things we do when we first meet someone or at the beginning of the relationship fall by the wayside – whether it’s making an effort to look good at home, arranging interesting nights out or weekends, or just cooking their favourite foods or buy the flowers they like.
I can’t help thinking at times that it’s exactly what my grandmother always said: ‘once they know they’ve got you, they stop trying’…..
There is something terribly enticing about feeling completely at ease and secure with someone, but does that detract from the need to keep trying, to keep proving yourself? Obviously we can’t spend our days in a state of tension and insecurity, but where exactly is that point where too little insecurity leads to complacency?
And is there a danger that this complacency can mean we stop valuing the other person and take them for granted to the point that we no longer find them attractive?
So, in the same way that smiling when we don’t feel like it can make us feel happier, perhaps one of the answers is that making the effort to seduce someone when we don’t really need to can make them seem all the more desirable….even if I’m wrong, I’m sure it’ll be fun trying 😉
So, a little less contemplation, a little more seduction, please xxxx