So, for those of you who kindly read my last stream of consciousness blog about how I’ve been feeling, this one reflects the fact that the last couple of days haven’t been quite so bad…
But whilst I should be rejoicing at no longer feeling a compulsion to smash the contents of the kitchen cupboards or to drive into a wall, one thing I keep noticing is that even in the best moments recently I just can’t raise my mood beyond about neutral.
The joy, happiness, elation, the excitement I have memories of just isn’t there. I can’t quite recall any of those emotions clearly, just a shadow, an inkling of how I remember feeling in what feels like the dim and distant past (but which I know was as recent as 2010).
And now, at those moments when I would have previously leapt with joy (at times literally) it just doesn’t come. Driving along in the car today with the roof down – nothing. Winning another new client – nothing. The impending, admittedly very nice, holiday – nothing. Hearing from a good friend – more relief and reassurance than an actual lifting of spirits (but exceedingly welcome, all the same. Truly, I can’t overstate how lovely it was to get that message).
So this is rather self-indulgent, I’m no longer in the depths, but not yet feeling sufficiently positive to enjoy the feel of sunshine on my skin. But maybe the fact that I’m becoming more and more aware of this is a good sign. So there’s no joy yet but perhaps there is hope.
So to those of you who’ve been there so far, thank you once again xxx
And apologies there isn’t more to this. When I started I thought there was rather more to say.